God's Voice Mail
We have all learned to
live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have
wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and
hearing this:
Thank you for calling
The Lord’s House. Please select from the
following options:
Press 1 for GENERAL
REQUESTS
Press 2 for
THANKSGIVING
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
Press 4 for HEALING
Press 5 for HELP WITH
THE IRS
Press 6 for RAIN or NO
RAIN
Press 7 for MIRACLES
Press 8 for LOTTERY
WINNING NUMBERS
Press 9 for ALL OTHER
INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI"
Press 0 to hear this
menu again
"I'm sorry, all
the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your
call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium."
If you would like to
speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the
other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to
hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55, then wait
for the beep and enter the number of the psalm you wish to hear.
To find out if a loved
one has been assigned to Heaven, press 62.
Enter his or her
social security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth,
then press the pound (#) key twice.
For answers to nagging
questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin,
Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and
UFOs, please wait
until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a "heavenly
perspective."
To reach Lucifer,
press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful;
your receiver may become warm.
For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.