Help Each Other Understand
By Charles Willis
Breakdowns in communication represent a major source of problems in families and in churches, a national minister's advocate specialist told Southern Baptist ministers and family members during Minister's Family Weekend, July 7-10, at Glorieta, a LifeWay Conference Center.
"We need to help each other understand what we need. Across age groups, between spouses, we cannot assume everyone understands what we mean," said Bob Sheffield of LifeWay Christian Resources.
To clarify needs, he urged learning to express "I would like..." statements.
"Don't expect the other person to read your mind. Express whatever you are saying in positive terms. Let the other person know what you want, not what you don't want; what you are for, not what you are against.
"Make your request before the action is desired," he suggested, "not after. For example, 'Please call if you are going to be late,' rather than 'You didn't call me!"'
Sheffield said poor communication patterns can put families at risk. Among those are:
1. Interrupting.
2. Deciding what other people are trying to say before they have a chance to finish speaking.
3. Formulating your reply before the other person is finished speaking.
4. Being eager to attach blame or prove a point.
5. Getting sidetracked by other issues, such as asking, "But what about the other day?"
6. "Guilting" the other person with statements such as, "Now, what have you done?"
7. Making power moves or presenting ultimatums with statements such as, "I don't care what you say, I'm
going to do it anyway."
8. Using "gunpowder" words, such as "always" and "never."
9. Using trait names or labels, such as "selfish, stupid, lazy or mean."
10. Being a grudge collector. "You have done this, and this and this and this."
11. Using silence as a weapon.
He cited Philippians 2 as a biblical basis for being concerned with the interests of others. "Even the truth is to be spoken in love," Sheffield said.
Effective listening, he said, can help families communicate. Among tips he offered for listening were:
1. Face the other person, and maintain eye contact. If you are listening to a child, sit or bend down to his or her level.
2. Allow other persons to express themselves without interrupting them.
3. Avoid giving unsolicited advice, comments, criticism and sarcasm, which might cause the other person to give up trying to communicate.
4. Practice active listening. Listen without blaming, criticizing, defending yourself or giving your opinion. Try to identify the emotion being expressed, such as frustration. Restate what the other person said in your own words to be sure there is understanding.
Sheffield cited Psalm 19:14 as expressing the desire that words and thoughts be acceptable to God.
"If our words are acceptable to Him, I believe they will be acceptable to one another."